Teen Angst

After watching two movies that I guess would be 100 percent classified as young adult books turned into teen angst movies, which I loudly cried to in public, on an airplane, in front of a large number of normally functioning adults, I thought to myself: How old is too old to be watching teen angst movies?

It’s a serious question that I feel like I need to answer before I can successfully earn my “you’re an adult” badge on my life sash. Side note: other badges that need to be collected include, but are not limited to: getting a credit card, paying my rent on time, brushing my hair more than once a week, and eating something other than cheetos for breakfast.

Anyway, I’ve like semi-come to terms with the fact that I’m an adult baby and I’ll probably stay that way well into my late twenties, so I’d like to take this time to review two of the best, and also worst, teen angst movies I’ve seen today.

1. The Way, Way Back

Let me just start of with the title. What the hell does it even mean?

Are you uncomfortable looking at this kids face? Because I am.

Like is it in reference to the main character being in the way, way back of the car? In life? Who knows, but seriously that’s not even the worst part. His uncomfortable nature throughout the entire film ranks higher than I don’t know, something exceptionally, exceptionally awkward and uncomfortable. Like an atomic wedgie. Something like that uncomfortable.

The only plus about this movie was the cast. The crazy step-mom from Juno was in it. I don’t know her name but she was on the West Wing and also in that movie with Kristen Dudnst where she enters the beauty pageant and her talent is tap dancing and Kristi Alley is in it before she like lost all levels sanity. Allison Janney. That’s her name. She’s in it and she’s hilarious, like the only good part of the movie.

Level of angst: 8/10

2. The Spectacular Now

That’s the girl and that’s the guy in the movie. He is probably an alcoholic and she doesn’t wear make-up. That’s my big takeaway from the film.

From the moment this movie started to the moment it ended I was confused. After reading summaries and reviews of the movie I still am not sure what it actually was about, which is always a sign of a good film if you ask me. The girl from the Descendants and Hunger Game spin off movie was in it. She was also in The Secret Life of The American Teenager and that’s honestly where I first associate her with, but admitting that I watch another teen angst show is honestly detrimental to my credibility in the streets.

All I can say about this movie is that there is a lot of underage drinking and driving and that’s just sending the wrong message to the audience actually intended for this film. There was just a lot of missing pieces to this movie that I am not pleased with. Like it was left as a cliff hanger ending and for a movie that does not deserve a sequel, how you gonn play me like that.

OH and throughout the entire movie I wasn’t sure if the main guy actually liked that girl from the Secret Life of the American Teenager. Like he dated her but also kept talking to his ex girlfriend. It seriously made no sense and I’m clearly still upset by it all.

Level of angst: 6/10

Also, sidenote. I just got home and last night when I was sitting in the living room I heard this quiet chime going off in some distant part of the house. Come to find out that my mom has this cuckoo clock that used to belong to my grandma placed in a still undetermined closet and it goes off every, I don’t know 20 minutes or something. It scares the living daylights out of me, but it makes her happy.

This is the last post of 2014! Yaysies this year is over. Saying it was a rough one for me would be misrepresentative for both my dad and mom considering they lost each of their moms within three months of one another. So all the shoutouts go to those two. Love you fools despite all of the hilarity you are subjected to by your boisterously wonderful youngest daughter (me).

Adult Baby

Last Thursday reconfirmed my already working theory that I have no idea how to be an adult able to function on her own in the real world. For those questioning me, let me paint the picture for you: Reaching into your purse at 4pm to realize that you have forgotten your wallet at home as you are about to step up to the check-in station at the airport for your 5pm flight is THE worst way to start your weekend.

I know the look you have on your face right now. It’s encompassing pity and shame has shot through the computer and landed in my lap; just wait, this day gets better, let me start our story from the very beginning.

I have known about this flight for approximately 2 months. My mom and I sat in her room and booked it together. I specifically asked if I could fly out of DCA so that I could take the metro and not have to worry about taxi fare. We agreed that coming the night before my stepbrother’s rehearsal dinner for his wedding would be best so no one would feel rushed.

Then, last week I decided it would be easiest to take the full day off work instead of trying to squeeze in a couple hours, only to turn right back around and rush to make my flight… Fast-forward to this morning at 9:10am when I woke up and for the next 6 hours slowly proceeded to do absolutely nothing productive besides pack, eat lunch, and watch Law and Order: SVU. I left the house at 3pm AND actually thought to myself, hmmm maybe you should check if you have everything. Like that actual cognizant thought passed through my mind.

Now you’re probably wondering a combination of two things: 1. Why wouldn’t your wallet automatically be in your purse? And 2. How did you not double-check your purse for everything you needed prior to leaving the house? To which I will say: leave me alone… I’m seriously a child and should have constant adult supervision. But seriously, I never carry my wallet with me unless I’m on a mission for food. So you can imagine the shit I took in my pants as I reached into my purse while approaching the check-in stand in the Virgin America terminal when I realized my wallet was sitting on the dining room table, where it had been sitting all, week, long.

Commence public panic breakdown and irrationally phrased text messages to both my mom and sister who, let me remind you, are patiently waiting for my arrival in San Francisco, 3,000 miles across the country. Their responses, you ask? Exactly the same as yours: overwhelming pity and shame with a mix of embarrassment that they have raised basically an adult baby.

So, at this point I have ran back to the metro and am headed back home to retrieve my wallet. The realization that I have officially missed my flight has set in and I’ve basically decided that I’m 100 percent done with this day. Shout out to my mom for being able to arrange a flight out of Baltimore departing at 8pm. The second I received the confirmation email I high tailed it down to Union Station, hopped onto a train towards Baltimore, and if I hadn’t embarrassed myself enough already, TRIPPED AND FELL WHILE RUNNING TO MY GATE. Like if today was the day where Ashton Kutcher appeared out of some cutty film room at the Baltimore Airport I probably be like yeah, this makes sense. BUT NO. That didn’t happen. It was just another day in the life of a super normal 22-year-old child.

I made it safely on my flight, headed to San Francisco but the day was not over. I will not even go into complete detail because I physically don’t think my brain can handle much more but the people on that flight need to go right back to where they came from: the fiery depths of hell on the same corner where Satan lives. There was a drunk couple across from me redefining what PDA means to the world, a child behind me who is supporting the combination of kicking my chair every 1-2 minutes while waving a lit flashlight around creating the most lovely strobe light show that I could have ever asked for, all while shouting at the top of his lungs. Like, there are no excuses for hitting a child but I feel like I might have found a loop hole in that rule.

Also, ugh, I didn’t post anything in October but like it’s my absolute least favorite month ever so I feel like I had a justified excuse.

The Death of my Family…

I’m sad to announce this news but it’s occurrence was inevitable in moving to the East Coast, 3,000 miles away from those humans I refer to as my family. At inception this blog was created to catalog the events of life in a blended family. However, in light of recent events, I have made the decision to switch focuses from embarrassing the shit out of my family on a biweekly basis, to bringing life as a full-time grad student/teacher in Washington, D.C. to light.

It’s important as a writer to understand your audience. Catering to common interests and humor is the fastest way to connect with strangers (or stalkers: shout out Weird Dave) on the World Wide Webernet. So I apologize to those who were here to see what shenanigans my mom had gotten me into that week, but after running into a woman who asked me if I knew where she could buy meth cookies on the bus last week I assure you that my life in D.C. will keep you entertained.

So, with that being said, let’s address the pink elephant sitch on my airplane… Why is it that every single person currently sitting in first class on my plane back to D.C. are all white males between the ages of 30 and 70? Where is this melting pot of diversity people speak of and why aren’t they serving it in first class on Virgin America… or any other US airline.

This isn’t a good thing people, these are important issues that we as a “functioning society” need to address, like now!! Why in the world is there a separation barrier between the seats in first class and the seats in economy? Like cool…. You paid $300 more than I did! Congratulations, you make money!!!! That does not grant you the right to section me off from your lazy boy seats like I’m some kind of wildebeest, because I’m just as much as a person as you are. So congratulations to the 12 men in first class, you are the number one thing that I’m like not ok with this week.

I honestly don’t know if any of the men were/are 70 years old, I’m just absolutely terrible at determining people’s ages. So I apologize for being any ounce of ageist there but, like, whatever. Get over it, we have more important issues at hand.

I don’t really know how to end this post. The end? Yeah. The end

SOS: You Need Better Personal Style

Dansko’s Devils… The worst form of clog, don’t even argue with me because you will not win.

Congratulations to the approximately 50 year old woman who just walked past me! You are the number one thing this week that I’m just not okay with and here’s why: You need to fix your personal style, like now.

First, I’m going to need you to trash the Danskos Clogs; and before any of you jump down my throat on this one, give me like .25 seconds more to explain… There are many different styles when it comes to the world of clogs: wooden ones, Dansko’s devils (the ones doctors or your grandma wear), water shoe looking ones, 70’s disco ones, etc… The list could go on for weeks. Now, I own a pair of wooden, open back clogs: THE ONLY ACCEPTABLE FORM OF CLOGS TO OWN. Seriously, I’m not even tooting my own horn, it’s just a fact of life. But to those “people,” and in this case: 50 y/o lady, who own these devil shoes, just no. I can’t even give you anymore words besides no. No.

Secondly, you have confirmed my theory on facial expressions, and not in a good way. It’s a known fact in the science world that as you get older you wrinkle and shrivel into a small raisin or dried prune (dealers choice). But this is where the confusion sets in. I don’t understand how people in the aging process still think it’s ok to make exaggerated facial expressions. Like come on, do yourself, and the rest of the world, a favor and put off the pruning stage for a few more years. Stop with the faces.

Last but certainly not least, wearing shirts that show your stomach is not okay. This goes for any women, at any age; I’m not being ageist, it’s just a fact of life. The same rule applies for wearing things with words across your bottom. It should be a requirement when you graduate from middle school that you must turn in all shirts that do not appropriately cover your stomach, or pants that have words slapped across the behind like you are some type of walking sexual advertisement. It’s weird. Just no. No, no, no. Anytime I see it in actual day-to-day life it makes me want to squirt them in the face with a water bottle and send them back to their closet to try again.

I’m sorry if you walked into this post thinking that you were going to get a happy story but, like, I’m trapped on an airplane with the bubonic plague in a middle seat. SO IF I’M GOING DOWN I’M DRAGGING EVERYONE’S PERSONAL STYLE DOWN WITH ME. Also, the two women that I am sitting in-between both cringe every time I cough and it’s easily the funniest thing that has happened to me all week. The woman to my right has positioned herself as far away from me as possible while the woman to my left has covered her nose and mouth with her scarf. Like, that’s cute that you think that will help you escape this cold that I am now purposefully going to give both of you. Sucks to suck.  

Little Victories

Call off the search parties; I am still alive. Yes, yes, ok, I know it’s been over a month since my last posting, but you all can just chill. Life this past month has been trill: being true and real at the same time… My students taught me that word today.

I’m finding that my 4-year-old students are levels cooler than I ever was at that age. I’m equal parts frustrated and annoyed at the fact that, as an adult, I am finding myself jealous of a 4-year-old’s vocabulary, like because that makes sense Rachel… Anyway, to dispute this worthless jealously I’ve decided to reflect on little victories from this past weekend:

1. Saturday I spent the entire day in bed watching Netflix and taking BuzzFeed Quizzes. I found out a lot about my life that day, like that I’m confident I could win a gold medal for binge watching television. OH, BuzzFeed acts like I didn’t know this already, but I also found out that if I was a 90’s Rap Icon I would be Notorious B.I.G…. Like obviously. Christopher Wallace & I go way, way back. Find out who you are: click hurr

2. Thomas Jefferson followed me on Twitter, which means a couple of things: A. He’s still alive and kickin at 271 years old. B. Until a week ago I thought he invented the lightbulb. C. Despite not inventing electricity, he’s actually kept up with technology of the times seemingly well.

3. There was a spider in my room Saturday night and I didn’t even freak out that bad. I mean like, yeah, my roommate had to come into my room, take my lamp out, and move it to the safest location in the house: outside on the patio, but it basically wasn’t even a thing. I only screamed like two times and once was when I opened the garbage can after killing the spider… I forgot the lid sprang open and I almost lost my ish, but whatev… It’s all about the little victories, right?! Stay trill. ( Honestly I still don’t know what that even means but my students literally shout it at me as their parents pick them up so, like, I know it means something. Whatever, I’m learning. #littlevictory)

9 abbreviations u need in ur life

What appears when researching East Coast slang. Like srsly? Who/what/when/where/why/how did this even become a thing people need to Google?

Never did I anticipate having my everyday dialect classified as a foreign language in moving to the East Coast; however, clearly I was mistaken. Abbreviations, which currently make up a solid 86% of my day-to-day language, make those from the East Coast extremely uncomfortable; which is equally hilarious and frightening at the same time. Who would have thought shortening a generic word could cause such an influx of emotions among a large variety of people. After only being here for three months I’ve determined that the EC as a whole needs to have a serious conversation with itself and figure out its abbreviation game. It’s straight up weak. 

To put your mind at ease, I’ve decided to share some common California abbrevs with y’all. (Side note: y’all is totally not a Californian thing but my roommate is from Texas and the word has slowly begun to permeate into my unconscious vocab. I’m like not sure how I feel about it yet. I haven’t had enough time to process this modern day tragedy.)

Oh! I forgot to mention the most important rule about understanding abbreviations. It was recently brought to my attention by an EC’er that abbrev’s are often unclear because one word can mean a multitude of different things. For all those lit/language nerds who struggle in understanding abbreviations and are currently reading this (cough cough, James), it is important to remember the semantics of each abbreviation. The context in which a word is used will determine the meaning or definition of that abbreviation. Ok, let’s get to biz:

Top 10 Abbrev’s for Erryday Lyfe:

Translation: 10 common Californian abbreviations

1. Ish–

noun: the more PG way of saying shit or stuff.

EX: That is the weirdest ish I’ve ever seen.

adverb: suffix that can replace kinda/sorta

EX: I’m hungryish but also too lazy to cook anything.

2. Beezy–

noun: another more PG way of calling someone a bitch.

EX: That beezy better not forget my nachos.

3. Gucci/Gouda—

adjective: describes something that is good.

EX: Life is gucci when you’ve got thin mints     and/or     Life is gouda when you’ve got thin mints.

4. Perf/Fab–

adjective: perfect minus the -ect/fabulous minus the -ulous…

EX: That’s like totally perf     and/or    You look fab.

5. Supes Jelly–

mega-adjective: super jealous

EX: Stop, I can’t deal… I am supes jelly of that scarf.

6. Hella–

literally any part of speech it wants to be: a lot of, really, very, totally, a shit ton.

EX: I hella want to go to Taco Bell for din.

7. Loller ______

adjective: a roller coaster, tsunami, volcano, helicopter sized laugh.

EX: Loller coaster, lolcano, lolicopter, lolnami, loller skates, lolli pollie, etc.

8. Quest–

verb: question minus the -ion

EX: Uhm, excuse me… I have a supes important quest for you.

9. Pinteresting–

adjective?: Something so interesting you could find it on Pinterest.

EX: That girl’s shoes are very pinteresting.

So, to all my west coast residents in DC, please try some of these out with other east coasters and see how they react… It’s srsly hilar. If you have any quest’s plz drop a comment. I’m working towards earning my doctoral degree in abbrevs; I’m like pretty close to graduating summa cum laude so keep your fingers crossed for me. Thx.

Technology and the 21st Century

SOS: Family does not know how to use technology.

Let me just start off by saying that until last night at 11:30pm, I thought we were living in the 22nd century… It wasn’t until my friend Thomas stopped laughing at me that I found out otherwise. NOW, with that being said let’s focus on the real reason you’re here: it is shocking to me how terrible 95% of adults are when it comes to technology.

I feel justified in saying that members of my family regularly contribute to a large portion of that percentage. Ever since I can remember, my mom has preached the philosophy work smarter, not harder. It wasn’t until I took a step back and realized that the woman has single handily trained (or manipulated, your choice) everyone around her to complete her technology dirty work.

The notion that it’s ok for adults to trick the youth into doing their technology dirty work is sweeping the nation and I don’t know how I feel about the manipulative qualities our parents are having on us. Like when did the saying you’re a big girl/boy, you can figure it out stop applying to all adults who struggle with some form of modern day technology… Because I think Generation Y needs to put their foot down and say no to these technologically challenged adults.

It’s not just parents that I have an issue with. Teachers full of life and knowledge automatically transform into a toddler when it comes to setting up technology in the classroom. I like to think of myself as a patient person, but the moment I see an adult struggling to use any form of modern tech all bets are off.

My mom is the modern day Miss No Know How To Use Technology. I’m 99% positive she would take the crown in that pageant. Actually, I think she’s already started to prepare for it. Just the other day she texted me saying she was getting pageant ready. I didn’t make the connection to what she was referring to until just now… So make sure to vote Mary for the 2014 Queen of the No Know How To Use Technology pageant!

EDITING UPDATE: Oh I’m sorry “readers,” if I can really even call you that. This post was live for three weeks and not one of you caught my grammatical error??? How you gonna let me use the improper form of you’re and get away with it. I’m ashamed. Help a sister out; let me know if I make any spelling or grammatical mistakes and comment below.

California

I’m about to get real valley girl up in this joint so if you are not a Clueless fan then please dismiss yourself from this post immediately (and indefinitely… Clueless is one of the greatest gifts Hollywood has given to this country apart from Michael Jordan’s acting career).

So as most of you are aware, I am now an east coast resident. Well I’m not a resident, but honestly let’s not get tangled in the deets… Anyway, I will officially have lived here for three weeks, tomorrow. During this time I have found out that means a couple of things:

Arguably the worst thing America has given to the world in the 20th century.

1. The moment you tell someone you are from San Francisco, or just California in general, people automatically respond with a “caliiiiii, nice.” Like what?? When did that become a nation wide thing that is accepted by people? Because it honestly shouldn’t be. No one calls Michigan, Michi… Like I’m pretty sure people from Michigan would not be okay with that, just as I’m not okay with the word Cali.

2. Bugs. Huge, totally massive bugs. All the time, anywhere you go. Ants are literally the size of peanuts and it’s another thing I’m just not okay with… and I also don’t see how other people are either.

3. Honking is considered a second language in DC and it’s extremely unnecessary. Like coooool I waited 1/10 of a second to go when the light turned green, please definitely honk at me. That’s totally rational!!!!

Like there are fantastic things about living on the east coast, specifically in DC., but let’s not forget that summer exists here and it’s basically a death sentence every time I am forced to walk outside.

Oh and one last thing… Salisbury steak is totally a thing here and it’s like the biggest thing I’m NOT okay with it. It ranks extremely high as one of the worst things you could ask another human to eat. If you’re reading this, don’t succumb to the pressures of society if they ask you to eat a salisbury “steak” because they are the worst type of person.

Also, one of my number one blog followers, the only person I would ever want to share a birthday with, and biggest cheerleaders in life, my Grandma, passed away this morning. So, this is for you Grandma. I love you dearly and am so grateful I got to spend the last 10 plus years with you so closely invested in my life.

Girl on Girls

I reluctantly just began watching the television show Girls on HBO after a number of years of my sister asking me to do so, and all I have to say is: THANKS A LOT FOR NOTHING COURTNEY.

I don’t know if I just don’t understand Lena Dunham and Judd Apatow’s sense of humor but color me not impressed. To me, being an adult means buying your own toilet paper and I’m not 100% comfortable with that. If you were like me, or the 99% of other students through college who were able to coast off your parents for four additional years of child support, then you understand how I feel when I say, I’m like not that interested in being an adult.

But then I watch an episode of Girls and get an overwhelming feeling that the way Lena Dunham has interpreted adulthood is the most prétentieux way imaginable. (The french way of spelling pretentious just elevates the word to a level unworthy of this planet.)

I’ve just began an urban education graduate program in Washington D.C. and thanks to Girls, was extremely mislead on how city life would be. Granted I live in a much different environment then Brooklyn but I’m calling BS on that television show. Straight up.

Honestly the episodes are only 30 minutes long so if you’re looking for a TV show to waste your time on then go right ahead. Just know that I warned you. Oh and I’m also warning you that this show is basically soft-core porn thanks to the amount of times Lena Dunham feels the need to get naked. Otherwise, seriously do something better with your life. Go start a charity or I don’t know make a cake. DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY OK?

That’s all for now. Sorry to those who actually follow this blog and have been feigning for a post like a heroin addict looking for the black brick. I’ve been busy living my life as a 21 (almost 22) year old girl in a big city ok?!

Also I wish I could share my search history after writing this post. It included this and more: -heroin, cocaine, bricks of drugs, what color is a heroin brick, Lena Dunham naked, girls, etc… I think you get the point. It just kept getting more and more outrageous and I had to stop.

Family Movie Reviews: Maleficent

A main character in Maleficent

Friday night (or Saturday night, I honestly don’t remember) was the second time in two weeks that my dad and I went to the movies and no one else was in the theatre, except us. I’m not quite sure if that’s something to be deeply sadden or excited about so I’m going to take a stand and educate the feeble public on our movie, obviously.

Now, you may be thinking to yourself, “Lord, who does this woman think she is…” And let me tell you. By definition, I am a critically acclaimed movie critique. My grandest friend since pre-school has been studying to become an actress since she was in the womb so that means basically so have I. Last year alone I was nominated for my work in eight out of the nine Best Pictured films.

So Ken (my dad) and I decided to go and see the wildly raved about film, Maleficent. I quickly discovered a few things as we entered the theatre. It is easily the worst spelt word in the world. This is a children’s film, cut them a stinking break with the verbiage Disney, or whoever produced this film. Secondly, I was confused from the moment I sat down. In one of the first scenes they show the creepiest looking fairies and smashed-faced winged elephants that I have ever seen in my life. Like I’m all for creative adaptations but what the hell is that (see photo top right).

Like NO thank you.

Oh, and also they have these human-like tree creatures that protect their magical fairy land and they are exactly what they sound like. Your worst nightmare from circa 5-years-old when you still peed the bed. I mean I don’t think the innocent fairies have to worry about any intruders because they harness the scariest “things” known to real or imaginary land.

Once I got past the startling creatures and the story moved on I actually did enjoy it. Maleficent has the same sense of humor as my grandest friend Sarah, which made it feel like we were watching the movie together. I appreciated the plot twist towards the end and Angelina Jolie was breathtakingly stunning the entire film. Like it’s honestly unfair the set of genes her parents handed down to her.

Sharito Copley is actually Adam Levine.

All in all my dad gave this movie a thumbs up, to which I would have to agree. The only thing that will throw you for a loop if you are at all clued into today’s world is that Stephen, who becomes king, (sorry ruined that for you) is played by Adam Levine. Not kidding either. I turned to my dad in the first 10 minutes and whispered “I think that’s Adam Levine doing a terrible  Scottish accent.”

So go see this movie. But don’t see it if you are on any type of hallucinogens though. Seriously, I warned you.